In search of happiness

 

I have been feeling a little down lately. There are a number of reasons I can attribute that to. My friends are getting married and I am still single. I don’t have enough work in my hands, feeling a bit lost lately with my job, sometimes, I feel I don’t have enough to contribute (even though I got promoted recently, so yay!). Or may be because I have been watching a lot of Bojack Horseman.

Mr. Peanutbutter said “The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn’t the search for meaning; it’s just to keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you’ll be dead.”

I have been thinking a lot about what’s my purpose in life. I think we all do. We have ambitions, dreams -some of us want to make the world a better place and some of us want to watch it burn. My friend left his stable job for a start up, he left it too for creating his own company. When he gave me the news, he did not expect me to be so supportive. One thing that I have learned through all my experiences is not to judge someone for their choices unless it involves murdering someone. We have been friends for a few years, I know his struggles, he has been extremely brave throughout his life, he deserves happiness. But I have never seen him happy, and I hope this new venture will make him happy.

But are we every happy? We all think we will purpose in something, or someone. But life is so unpredictable, our minds are so whimsical. We don’t have the tenacity to hold on to one thing, we get bored, we move onto something else. And eventually, we forget what we wanted in the first place. We forget what defines us. I think the much-dreaded question in any job interview is “tell me about yourself”. Do we know who we are? We talk about what we do, what we love, but do we actually know who we are. Do we even want people to know who we are? We create an identity for ourselves concealed in the superficial layers of career, education, hobbies, we mould
our personalities with every interaction, till we gradually drift apart from true selves.

Nothing makes sense. But I feel the reason we are unhappy, from my own epiphanies, is we all want to belong somewhere. That is the path to happiness, and if not happiness, it’s satisfaction. We all seek comfort, even the ones who love adventures, and spend months away from home. Some people find comfort in the unknown, because that’s what makes them feel the most alive. And for some people, it’s the corner of the bed where you can spend hours, holding a cigarette in your hands, and doing nothing.

We all deserve to be happy, we should care deeply about our own mental health, to often say no to situations, sometimes, it’s just good to do something which makes you laugh, happiness doesn’t last long, so you need to steal those precious moments whenever you find time and make the most out of it. May be that’s how we die happy in the end.

What is your role in mental health ?

As someone who has suffered from clinical depression and anxiety, I was moved by the events of yesterday and the impact it had on all netizens. Sushant was not just a versatile actor, he was quite successful as someone who transitioned from TV to movies through hard work, determination and passion towards his craft. Apart from being a movie star, he was a true admirer of nature and the cosmos, which was reflected through his Instagram handle. I was an avid follower of his posts, where he used to connect with his fans and often used to reply to their comments. His humility despite his rise in the entertainment industry made him extremely loved. And the cherry on top was him being an engineer, a career which is ardently pursued in our country.

Post his death, I learned that he had been suffering from clinical depression for quite some time, he was taking medicines and going for counselling. What bothered me that most of his co-workers who claimed to be
close to him said that they were not aware of his condition. He was always so full of life.

Many had the same question "what pushed him towards such a decision?"

As Sonia Thomas, Digital Creator has mentioned - suicide is not a split-second decision made before committing the act. It's a systematic downward spiral and we genuinely need to understand and respect the need for mental health resources and education. Due the existing taboo around mental health, we never know what our loved ones are going through. They look extremely happy from outside because there is this increasing pressure about "being positive" all the time. The reason and symptoms behind depression varies from person to person, so, don't be so quick on concluding that the person is fine. 

Patients on mental health need a support system and it must begin with someone they love, it can be their partner, their parent or a friend. How can you help as a friend?

The first step is being open-minded

Success or money is not a measure of someone's mental health. One of the most common questions mental
health patients are asked, what are you missing out in life, you have everything? And for someone like Sushant, this question must have been extremely common.This is called Victim Blaming. This person is looking for help and empathy, and judgement is not going to help. Be kind, listen to their perspective, find out the trigger factor. The second step is to make them feel safe. 

In most cases, people start moving away from their friends, they start isolating themselves, they
don't feel the need to get out of their homes and meet people. Have a discussion with them and find out what is troubling them. Suggest therapysessions and set up appointments with a doctor. Accompany them to the
counselling sessions if possible.

The third step is to, make them trust you.

Check up on them frequently and ask them how they are feeling. Volunteer for helping them out,
it might start with something very simple as sharing a good song, an inspirational video, taking them out for lunch.

And the last step, always remind them that they are not alone in their journey. Remind them that they are loved. Don't abandon them if you can't take responsibility.

If your friend isfeeling suicidal, don't leave them alone. Try to keep them engaged through activities they love, and they are genuinely good at. This person needs to find a reason to live, give them that reason. Thousands of people commit suicide, we often question what we could have done better ? How about starting with creating a world where they don't feel embrassed to share their thoughts.

Meaning in the time of COVID-19

I have always been an avid reader of fiction.So, one of the things that I decided to do during this lockdown is read more non-fiction. And I came across this while reading the book “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Victor Frankl, where he quotes his favourite author, Fyodor Dostoevsky.

“Man is a creature that can get accustomed to anything, and I think that is the best definition of him.”

Victor Frankl was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist, and a Holocaust survivor, of Theresienstadt, Auschwitz. He was the founder of logotherapy (literally "healing through meaning") a meaning-centred school of psychotherapy. During his time in the concentration camp he assisted in the psychotherapy of the residents. If you are aware of the history of Holocaust, the Jews lost their homes and belongings. The once prosperous people were reduced to prisoners, they were separated from their loved one, while some sought shelter in German households risking their lives, most were sent to these concentration camps. The lives they had were far from what they had lived or dreamt about. Stripped of dignity and the most basic necessities, they lived each every day hoping someday they will escape these dreadful camps and be united with their family and friends. Frankl had people coming to him asking for advice, how to survive when they have lost everything? How to not be affected by the despair the have been forced into and the depravity of the Nazis who stole their lives ? He said that the primary motivational force of an individual is to find a meaning in life. For him it was the love for his wife.

When the news of Coronavirus becoming a pandemic reached us and all countries slowly started going into lockdown, people around me started panicking. Even I was. I thought of not seeing my friends, my father’s an essential worker, I was worried about his safety, my sister lives in the USA and people around her were dying every day. We were complaining a lot about missing out on the parties, clubbing and outings. Weddings were cancelled, shopping malls and cinemas started closing. And of course, various conspiracy theories about China waging a bio-war against the whole world started circulating in social media.

Frankl’s words resonated through these difficult times. Life offers you purpose and meaning; it does not owe you a sense of fulfilment or happiness. The three ways we can find meaning are learning to adopt towards an unavoidable suffering, learning to love something or someone and accomplishing short term goals; it might be something as simple as cleaning your wardrobe. His words inspired thousands of Holocaust survivors. Instead of breaking down, they accepted their circumstances and went on with their lives.

So, what happens if this is a war? I imagined the worst possible scenario; suppose we have to stay under lockdown for the next 5 years. What if there is no cure? We see apocalypses in movies like the “Quiet Place”. No one from my generation has ever seen a war. May be this is the test of our resilience, unity and solidarity as a  species.

One month down the lockdown, I started noticing less complaints. I saw a change in our attitude.

I saw people around me helping the community though various selfless acts. They were volunteering and donating generously. I saw doctors being treated with respect, science becoming our faith, technology becoming our hope. People stopped going to public places and they tried their best to adjust to the new way of living through various activities. People learned to love what they have been gifted with.

I  myself got involved in charity and volunteering with several NGOs, I decided to find some time teaching children from underprivileged families, started painting, practising music and learned to cook different cuisines.

I saw people talking more about mental illness. This has always been a taboo, but in the absence of a normal life, people started encountering depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Shrinks started giving online therapy sessions, parents started becoming more aware of their children’s mental health issues, organizations came forward to talk about mental health. I saw people embracing differences and becoming less judgemental. We started thinking more about the environment which we have forsaken for such a long time. We stopped thinking about what we can’t change but what we can. And slowly, together we built a brave new world.

In the end, it’s our collective will to become better people which kept us going in these unprecedented times. Human life is ephemeral and filled with uncertainties, but as long as we have a meaning, we can always survive.

Now that the lockdown has been lifted,do you feel you have finally found a meaning in life?

The life I am leaving behind-through the eyes of Charlie

I finished reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" a few weeks ago.Most people have watched the movie,but I decided to read the original script,to get the unadulterated version of the story,free off the typical stuff that are added to make it a cult "youth" movie.

No one actually recommended me to read it,most people actually asked me to watch the movie because of the petite Emma Watson who had done shed off her Hermione Granger image and stepped into a completely different arena altogether.

Anyways,I stopped picturing them altogether while reading the novel and decided to paint a picture of those characters in my own isolated imagination,far away from the Hollywoodized rendition.

So,this is a story about Charlie,a sort of an introvert kind of a guy,who has joined high school.He lost his only friend and is now completely friendless.He isn't comfortable speaking to unknown people.He has a complicated family like most people,a brother who is into sports,a sister who is mostly busy dating.His parents are supportive with a past of their own which they try to keep away from their own children.

Charlie loved his aunt Helen the most,she made him feel loved and special,but her unfortunate death in a car accident devastates Charlie the most.While the other members move past her death,Charlie seems to remember every detail  about his aunt,he thinks about her when he is upset,alone.He visits her grave without his parents' knowledge and wishes to join her at the other side of the world.

Charlie is quite ecstatic and at the same time tensed when he joins high school,he sits beside a frenzied couple at a basketball match-Sam and Patrick.To his utter surprise,they are step-siblings and they welcome him to their crazy world of booze,music and friends.Charlie visits parties with them,passes out and views things he is not accustomed to.He discovers that Patrick is secretly a homosexual,in love with another guy named Brad.He sees them making out but Patrick asks him to keep quiet as society finds homosexuality unnatural.He watches a girl getting raped by her boyfriend.He falls in love slowly with the enigmatic Sam.

They together listen to the most amazing songs,he gives a glimpse of the music in the 90's,that includes my own favorite "Nirvana".Patrick and Sam were a huge fan of Nirvana.They make mixed tapes out of their favorite songs and gift them to each other.Sam and Patrick introduce Charlie to their favorite song "Asleep" by the Smiths and Charlie can't stop listening to it.

Even I can't..

"Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

...


There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well..."

Death is the theme and death is what Charlie relates to most,because Aunt Helen is dead.I kind of feel sorry for him at that time,when he says,he listens to "Asleep" in a loop.How does it feel when the person who loved you the most goes away forever?And you could never say goodbye?It reminds me of my brother who died in the most unfortunate way.Life is so strange and unpredictable,ghastly and ugly. Nothing actually seems to fit in,when one thing comes,something else is missing.

When Charlie kisses Sam,she tells him "I want you to know that the first person who kissed you,loved you"

Sam loves Charlie,more in a childish affectionate way,but Charlie aches for Sam.He finds her the most beautiful.

Sam starts dating another guy,but Charlie doesn't feel jealous him,he is happy for Sam,because she is in love.But he only wants him to be more attentive to Sam,to listen to the wonderful things she has to say,the way Charlie listens to her when she talks and watches her as she smiles.

His love is seemingly innocent and beautiful,the way we feel about the person we desire the most,but can't get.

I used to love someone too in high school,but he used to date another girl.It was weird that while other people bitched about her infront of me,I defended her saying "She is a nice person,he loves her,she makes him happy".I never tried to confront him but loved him immensely in the deepest corner of my heart.

Well,thats what love actually is,it is selfless and weird.It is when you offer your umbrella to that person when it is raining,an check on him if he is sick and make sure that he has reached home safely.It is about listening to his favorite songs and watching his favorite actor's movies even though you despise them.It is about listening to him speak about the stuff he loves,even if you have no interest in them.It is always about the little things that make a huge difference.

And the amazing books Charlie reads along with his teacher Bill.

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald

A Separate Peace by John Knowles
Peter Pan by J. M. Barrie
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger
On the Road by Jack Kerouac
Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs

Walden by Henry David Thoreau
Hamlet by William Shakespeare
The Stranger by Albert Camus
The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand





 I just wish I had an amazing teacher like Bill who could give me great life advice like "Charlie,we accept the love we think we deserve" when Charlie tells him about his sister being in an abusive relationship and yet not having the courage to abandon the guy because she is love with him.

Charlie starts dating the geeky Mary Elizabeth but he realizes he doesn't love her even though she is an amazing person.He only loves Sam but he doesn't want to be single.

He breaks up with her after he kisses Sam in a truth and dare game.

It is like my whole life in a nutshell.

Liking people who never liked me back,being liked by people who I never liked back and liking people who liked me back,but eventually things didn't work out.

There was a time when I felt stupid and guilty for actions,for being impulsive and jumping into decisions without thinking about the consequences.

But then I see Charlie,a bright student who does the same stupid things.

He allows his gay friend to kiss him because he didn't want to upset him,even though he knew it was wrong.

You see,life isn't perfect,flawless,there are is no such thing as doing the right thing always.Yes,it makes more sense,when we make mistakes,because we all want certain things at a certain point of time and we don't want it anymore.Sometimes,we crave for the things we know are impossible to achieve,but that's what makes us human.

We are all bound to do some drunken mistakes,fall crazily in love with someone,think about someone who is not alive although it is useless thinking about him or her.

The thing is our life is not just lived for some purpose,sometimes things just happen.And they give life a certain edge,they make our life so very beautiful that we forget what is going to happen in the future.

At the end of the book,when Charlie and Sam make love,but Sam has to leave for her college.Charlie has to move on with his life.I realize,that I am past those stages where I used to take hasty decisions,when I could just do silly things and not bother about it.I am grown up,I will be joining the corporate world very soon,will be earning my own money,I will have to take decisions that not only affect my own life but others' too,I will be given certain responsibilities and I will have to prove myself worthy of them.

I have just started to miss my student life now,the good old days are gone and I am a working adult now.

A  new chapter begins, a new life beholds, a new journey awaits ....

Bye,bye,bye old me....

 

The depiction of women in Indian entertainment

How many times have you wondered this-What the hell is going on?

The woman wakes up in the morning heavily clad in gold jewelery,designer sarees.

Another woman sets the room on fire to purposely defame the other daughter-in-law

The mother forcefully marries off her son to another woman because she doesn't like the way his son's girlfriends walks.

The man gets married multiple times,divorcing women out of ridiculous excuses.

Here is an article written by me for "Youth Ki Awaaz",against the mindless tv shows, and the utterly tasteless portrayal of women  in those shows,the regressive nature of the content to gain TRPs from the mass audience who enjoys watching women cooking and serving their in-laws and getting evicted from the house for speaking to another man.

Enough is enough I say!

Read it:
Why Indian TV’s ‘Vamp’ Needs To Make An Exit, And Take The ‘Adarsh Bahu’ With Her

Shame

She smiles at him.He looks at her.She gives her an alluring glance as she crosses her legs while his glance remains fixated on her skirt.She gets up,she flaunts a big diamond ring,he follows her but she gets lost in the crowd.He sighs with exasperation,as his eyes frantically search for the stranger girl.

He has spent nights alone in his apartment,watching porn in his laptop,masturbating more than often,and avoiding his sister who calls every morning,and desperately seeks his help.He walks around at night like a predator in the body of a gentleman and hunts for women he can have sex with.He doesn't look for the warmth of a human company,he only seeks the pleasures of being entwined with a naked body.He can't sleep as he pictures his colleague naked in bed with him,but cannot approach her out of intimidation.

"Shame" is  a movie about a topic that is spoken in hush hush,a man in his 30s dealing with his sex addiction all by himself,he wants to get rid of it,but it keeps on dragging him deeper into the abyss.He alienates himself from his surrounding world where people go for relationships;instead he chooses to have cam sex with girls on porn channels,and sleep with prostitutes.He cannot have sex with the woman he actually admires,and he loathes himself for that.

He doesn't feel the need of a wife or a lover.But in his insides he is a soul in search of another soul who can understand his agony.

He keeps his sister away from his life,but eventually he has to confront her about his problems when she finds him in an inappropriate position in the bathroom.She tries to help him,and asks him to help her get through her depression,but instead he puts his feet down.He turns her away and behaves like an escapist every time she approaches him to help him out,he doesn't give a damn about her presence in his life.

But then one night when he is away from his home,in his usual hunt for women,and ends up having sex with a man,he runs back home.He cannot reach his sister,she doesn't return his calls,he feels scared of losing the only person he cares for.

She has committed suicide.He sees her hands that are bleeding,her body lying in a pool of blood,he cries and cries,holds her body against his and tries to stop the bleeding.

She survives,but he feels helpless.A man who has no one is this world except for his sister,a man who pries on women like a wolf,but has a heart inside that weeps for comfort.And love,endless love.

He breaks down,he knows the world will desert him if they know who he is,what he is.

"Shame" is a movie that speaks about those people who we call perverts,horny guys who get turned on at the sight of women,who keep loads of magazines at home,keep nude pictures of women in the closet,cannot feel comfortable with women who desire them truly,it is about those men who need psychological help,support from their families to get over this addiction.

It gives us a clearer picture of a society,that is so sophisticated in the outside,but insides they hide their disorders,their ugly habits and inhuman desires.

It encourages us to take a step forward and express ourselves,so that we don't forever live in the darkness of these hidden identities,to break the taboo around speaking about things that shouldn't be addressed in  public.

It is a movie that deserves appreciation from every viewer for making this seem natural and curable.

Thanks to Michael Fassbender,for being such a realistic portrayal of Brandon.I honestly believe he deserves more appreciation than what he has gotten till now.The amount of diligence he shows towards the art,is beyond our reach of understanding.He shows what profanity is supposed to look like,real,haunting and something that deserves sympathy and not an eye of ignorance.

Well,I personally think everyone should watch this.It's not a movie,it's a true story,of thousands of people.

To the one who still sings in whispers

Hey Kurt!Happy Birthday.Yes,another year we spend without your pretty face while you watch over us from heaven.



How is it?Death,did it hurt?



Did you see your mother's face when you closed your eyes for the last time,did you see her running after you as you cycled for the first time,did you see your sister crying when you took away her cookies,did you see your father when he made that goofy face as you blew your birthday candles?

Did you see Tracy when she first went out with you on a date,did you see Courtney smoking up a weed as she walks around in her pregnant self-loathing demeanor,did you see Frances standing at the altar in the wedding gown,while your eyes brim with tears.

Kurt,you must feel so young right now as we slowly age in our insignificant lives,taking baby steps towards our end,do you see the cliff from where you took the leap of faith,when that bullet left your body?Did you feel like running away from that space and evade those final moments,and see your wife and daughter again.Did you try to pick up the pen and write another song about your utter abhorrence towards your existence,did you feel like strumming the guitar and say a few hateful words to the people who came to pick up your body,as it lay in a pool of blood,were you watching Courtney when she wept with your baby who didn't know she has lost a father,forever..

Kurt,sometimes I feel,I will die just like you,away from everyone that I love,I feel I will die young and unwanted just like you,I will start pitying myself,I will start ignoring the stuff I like to do,I will lock my books away.I don't sing anymore,rarely,earlier,I used to sing like a fucking radio and people could hear my voice coming out of the bathroom window.I feel like I want to hide myself from the world,did you feel like this?



But everybody says this is just a phase,there is always light at the end of the tunnel.



And it is definitely true.



The tunnel might just be longer and darker in case of some people,but it always ends somewhere bright and sunny.



You just couldn't get through that tunnel and look at the brighter side of your life.You would have been 49 today,a proud father,a successful musician,the frontman of Nirvana,one of the best bands in the world and you would have rocked the stage like old Paul McCartney.



You see life is not about the bad things after all,it's just those bad things make us more humane,those bad things give purpose to the good ones,and make us understand what is happening around us.



I am discovering myself everyday,I make so many plans,I buy new stuff,I try new clothes,I rant about my day to my friend,and in the end,it seems,my life is so much better than the others.



Kurt,you could have achieved so much,when this world started losing its sanity,and started being less optimistic,you could have entertained them with a story,"hey guys!here's a story..once I almost pulled a trigger through my brains,but I stopped myself,and look here I am alive and awake.I gave up on my drugs because my daughter wanted me to be a normal dad who helps her with her homework,and my wife asked to mow the lawn on weekends.On holidays  visit my mom,dad and sister at Aberdeen and we still think about the time we were together as a family.It feels so special to be reborn again"



You know that should have been you,not the person who still survives in his 27 year old hippy image.


Anyways,I hope death is treating you well,I still listen to your songs,and so do millions of people who love you.

"I just thought to myself that in the palm of my hand,there was this one tape that had all of these memories and feelings and great joy and sadness.Right there in the palm of my hand.And I thought about how many people have loved those songs.And how many people have got through a lot of bad times because of those songs.And how many people enjoyed good times with those songs.And how much those songs really mean.I hope the people who wrote those songs are happy.I hope they feel it's enough.I really do because they made me happy.And I'm only one person"

-The Perks of Being a Wallflower

 

This is to you Kurt,for 5 years of your music that is still playing in a loop for more than two decades.Happy Birthday again!

 Take care!