Loneliness...

 "Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect"-Margaret Mitchell

Loneliness is a disease,once you get addicted to it,it never leaves you.It's worse than smoking and drinking,it tears you apart from inside and steals your voice.I often dream about animals attacking me at night,but then,I try to scream,but I cannot hear myself-loneliness is just like that,it takes you away from what you want and what you need.Why am I writing about loneliness?Because I honestly feel we all are very lonely in this world.And why exactly we are lonely?Because we have so many people around us but none of them touch our lives.Some who do leave for better options and  a very few who stay do not have time for us.And here I am writing today about the worst feeling I have ever had in my entire life-Loneliness.

It affects me a lot more than other people living inside the stony walls of the city,because I once was a little girl with spring in my toes and sunshine in my hands.I roamed around the garden just like a butterfly and bathed in the warm light of friendship and love,but then I moved to this city.And my life changed.I felt like a prisoner,I had no one to talk to,I lost my playmates and I found myself disgusted by the way people live here,year after year,locked inside their apartment,pretending not to hear what's happening around them.I felt lost and depressed,and most importantly,very very lonely.

I started writing diaries to my imaginary friends like Harry Potter wishing that he would hear me and rescue me from this strange prison I was living.I wanted to fly away to the magical lands,to the small town I once lived,my home.

I suffered at times in silence and I felt scared about meeting new people,I engrossed myself in reading more and more books and devoted most of my time speaking to myself about my pain because my parents couldn't hear me dying inside everyday.

Loneliness is the worst thing my friend,and believe me,if you ever want to be on your own,if you ever hate yourself for not having enough friends compared to your facebook friends,then try not to feel angry inside.Go outside and talk to people,settle your mind and calm down.Because those who flaunt their super cool lifestyle on social networking sites have nothing better to do.So,don't feel upset because you are fine.

Internet makes you feel lonelier,that's something that I have realized since I joined facebook.My college life has not been that great.I started my college with ,lots of friends then they slowly walked away.I do have very few friends who I can afford to lose but I feel happy to have them around me.I do not need to pretend to people that I have a whole lot of people in my life with whom I can share my beer.

Getting out of that constant feeling to be left alone has been very difficult for me,so I decided not to be afraid of it anymore and instead be with them whom I can actually trust.I feel we are not children anymore,instead of how many do we have,we should count how many will be there after a long time when you are sitting right here and thinking about them.

Honestly,I wish this internet never ever came in our lives.Because things were so much better.People were so much happier when they didn't know what's happening in someone else's life.When people actually cared to remember others' birthdays,when we used to get greeting cards on new years and stored them in a box.Yes,that is the time I think of when I feel sad and lonely.Internet gave us a lot of access to people's private lives but made us feel more detached from people.

I do hope that anyone who feels the same,finds this useful and make sure to smile and let this loneliness go.Because there is a time for everything,and one day,you shall have it all.

Thoughts and prayers

I want to tell you the stories of some people today..

Milkha Singh one of the most legendary sportsmen of India who represented us in numerous international events.He was asked to return to Pakistan,his original homeland to represent his nation. The young ebullient sportsman was broken by the very thought of returning to the land where his own relatives were slaughtered by Muslims.But then he decided to run on that very soil and he won the race against a Pakistani and was bestowed with the name "The Flying Sikh" by another Pakistani.

Taslima Nasreen,one of the most iconic authors who has spoken about violence against women across the world,she was banned from her own country,Bangladesh after making controversial statements against Islam.She was sent to India with a price on her head set by her own countrymen and even today,she lives outside.She has been banished from her homeland and she doesn't know when she is going to come back.

M.F Husain,the legendary artist died miles away from his country,India for painting Saraswati nude.

And there are these millions of Syrian immigrants who wait everyday at the borders of the European nations to be accepted as their own.

How does it feel when he are haunted by the thoughts of going back to the very place where we were born?How does it feel to be away from your own motherland?

I am not a poet and not an intellectual either,but I do love my country in my own way.When I see a beggar on the street,I offer to help him with the very little money I have,when I see a dog who is trying to get my attention,I pat its head and offer it a biscuit,when I see an old man standing on the bus,I offer him my seat.But when I do this do I ask him whether he is a muslim or a hindu or a christian?No,I do it as human being.I don't care where he was born,what his history is or what he does now.I don't care which cast he belongs to because as Justin Trudeau said "Because it's 2015".

It pains me a lot when the Muslims in our country are asked to shift to Pakistan,they are branded as anti-nationals by some Hindu extremist groups.How does it feel when you feel like an outsider in your own country?Just like these people I spoke about previously.I am a Hindu but the people who are being targeted everyday are my countrymen.They deserve respect and dignity just as much as I do.

People keep on quoting Godhra riots and the numerous terrorist activities,but they forget that the people who live here are not the same people.They have nothing against any Hindu and I can vouch for them since I know quite a lot of them.No,they don't attack me with a sword everytime I speak to him,my own Rahman chacha,my neighbour they are there when my family needs them,they eat the prasad they are offered,the same prasad I have,they drink the same water I drink then why should some religious doctrines and some difference in principles separate us or make them feel alienated in their own country.

A wise old man was once asked why didn't he leave for Pakistan after partition along with the other Muslims.His answer was "Is zameen ka ek ek Hindu mera bhai hai. Uss zameen ke saare Musalman paraye. Yaha paida hua tha. Yahi rahunga aakhri saans tak."

("Every Hindu of this land(India) is a brother to me. Every Muslim of that land(Pakistan), a stranger. I was born here and I shall live out my days here." )

 I am an Indian,I am not a Muslim but I do not hate Pakistan because I don't want to be remembered as a xenophobic racist intolerant idiot who wants her fellow country men to suffer,I don't want to see bodies burning in another riot.I want to see everyone rising up against whatever that has been going on in our country,I want everyone to rise not in the name of religion,but in the name of humanity because it's very important that we do it now.I don't want my country to lose her smile the way Syria has lost it.

I am protesting in my very own way because I believe in what Mahatma once said

"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant,but  it's important that you do it,because nobody else will"

 

Heartbreak Hotel

I often think how I have matured from being a romantic movie buff to an actual lover.It's true that we always try to imagine our life to be an exact copy of some movie,how two strangers meet one day,two people who have no clue how their worlds are going to turn upside down,they fall desperately in love,they get separated and they meet again one day,when the rain is falling and the movie ends in a happy note with the two lovers getting united forever.I used to watch "One Tree Hill" a lot,I so admired Lucas and Peyton's love story and then slowly it got so stale with their on and off relationship,Lucas's numerous engagements to other women,I used to think "Why is he doing this when he still loves Peyton?"It's quite rare that your love gets reciprocated the way you want it to be and these people take a whole season to get back together.Sigh!we do rely too much on television to get the taste of how it feels to be accepted in love.

My readers might think why am I writing so much on love?Well,I suffered a heartbreak a few days ago,and I know what it means to be away from something that you have always wanted in life.Things always don't turn up to be the way you want them to be,but then again life moves on.You stumble upon another person in life and get your heart broken,again.Well,I was really upset today,angry inside for being a fool in relationships when I came across this beautiful letter written by my most favorite author,John Steinbeck to his eldest son,Thom when he fell in love with a girl named Susan.It is more than just a blessing to me when I am trying to get a closure.I have always seen love through a woman's eyes well since I am a woman myself but I never knew what men feel when then they are in love.And I am going to share it with you today.

"Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First — if you are in love — that’s a good thing — that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second — There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you — of kindness and consideration and respect— not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply — of course it isn’t puppy love.
But I don’t think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it — and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone — there is no possible harm in saying so — only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another — but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens — The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,
Fa


Well,I have always been the one afraid to lose what's important to me,but,now,I'll keep in mind this precious little advice."nothing good gets away". Patience is the key,my heart,patience.

The Last Poem

আজ অনেক দিন বাদে কেন জানি না খুব মনে করতে ইচ্ছে হলো কিছু ফেলে আসা মুহুর্তগুলোকে । কাল রাত এর effect হয়ত । শেষের কবিতা পরছিলাম । এটা  নাকি বাংলা romance এর landmark novel । হা আমিও মনে করি। অমিত আর লাবন্যের মত প্রেম সাধারণ মানুষের জীবন এ আসে না।তারা বিশাস করত বিয়ে থেকে প্রেম এর ক্ষতি হয়,প্রেম এর সেই সারল্য থাকে না,যে প্রেম আমাদের ক্ষণে ক্ষণে  মুগ্ধ  করে,রাতের ঘুম কেড়ে নেই,বিবাহ মানে যেন সেই লুকোচুরির অবসান,সেই গোপনতার অবসান,বিবাহের পরে জীবন যেন এক খোলা চিঠি র মত,সবাই দেখতে পারে। কিন্তু সেই প্রেম তো তারা চায়নি।তারা চায়নি একে অপরক বদলাতে। তারা তাদের মধ্যেকার মানুষ কে  হারাতে চায়নি ,তাই তারা বেছে নেই আলাদা রাস্তা,অন্য জীবনসঙ্গী বেছে নেয়।  মানুষ এর বিশ্বাস যে বিবাহ মানে প্রেম কে সমাজ এর চোখে আলিঙ্গন করা। বিবাহ মানে দুজন দুজন এর মনের দরজাক খুলে দেওয়া। কিন্তু যেটা আমাদের জীবন এ সব চাইতে মূল্যবান হয় সেটার ভুল ত্রুটি কেউ জানতে চায় না। তার ভুল গুলোকে  পিছনে ফেলে তার সৌন্দির্যকে উপভোগ করতে চায়। সেটাতেই তো নেশা আছে আর বিবাহ যেন একটা নিয়ম মেনে চলার মতন,সেটাতে কিছু আইন কানুন আছে,এই সকালে একসাথে ওঠো,একসাথে TV দেখো,আবার রাত হলে একসাথে ঘুমিয়ে পড়। সেটাতে কোনো হারানোর ভয় নেই,কোনো দূর এ চলে গেলে তাক রোজ দেখার চাহিদাও নেই।

আজ থেকে কিছু বছর আগে যখন প্রথম ভালোবেসেছিলাম একজনক,তখন রোজ তাকে দেখার জন্য কতই না কষ্ট করতে হয়েছে।স্কুল এর ground এ দাড়িয়ে থাকতাম রোজ তার প্রতিক্ষায়। অপেক্ষা গুলো মন্দ লাগত না তখন,সেটাতেও যেন একটা অদ্ভুত শান্তি ছিল।লোকে ভাবত মেয়ের  দ্বারা তো প্রেম হবে না।কিন্তু হয়েই গেল শেষ মেশে। কাউকে ভালোবেসে যে এতটা আনন্দ পাওয়া যায় সেটা প্রথমবার বুঝেছিলাম। চোখ দুটো যেন আলো  দেখল,মন টা যেন সর্গ পেল।ওর  আসতে মনে হয়েছিল যেন আমার জীবন এর অনেকটা অংশ খুব খালি ছিল।ওর  আসার পরে পরে সেই emptiness আর থাকল না।জীবন টাকে  সম্পূর্ণ মনে হলো। তারপরে একদিন ও চলেও গেল। আজক  ও খুব খুশি। ওর জীবনে আবার প্রেম এসেছে। facebook এ ওদের ছবিগুলো দেখলে আজ ও খুব হিংসে হয়,আমি আগে ওর  খুশি চাইতাম,ভাবতাম কি করলে ওক একটু হাসান যায়,কিন্তু আজ বুঝলাম ভালোবাসা  অতটাও selfless নয়,ভালোবাশতে গেলে একটু selfish হতে হয়,তাই মনে মনে ওক বলি আমাক কেন ভুলে গেলে?আমি কি কোনদিন ও তোমায় কিছু দিতে পারিনি ? আমার মনে পরত ওক লেখা চিঠিগুলো। আজক তো কেউ একুকে চিঠি লেখে না।কিন্তু আমি লিখতাম আর মনের সব দুক্ষগুলক উজার করতাম।যদি ও একবার আমার চোখের জল গুলোক মুছে দেয়।আমরা cinema র  hero  fantasize করি,কিন্তু প্রথম প্রেম সেই hero র ও উর্ধে। প্রথম প্রেম এর টান আছে, ব্যথা আছে,স্মৃতি আছে,হয়ত জীবন এ সেগুলো দুবার ফিরবে না।আমি রোজ ভাবি যে আজ যদি ও আমার জীবন এ থাকত তালে কি আমি অক এতটাই ভালোবাসতাম ?হয়ত সময়ের  সাথে ওক  আরো চিনতাম,আর  অনেক কিছু আমার খারাপ লাগতে লাগত,এমনিতেও ও আমার থেকে অনেকটাই আলাদা ছিল,আজক হয়ত আরো বদলে গেছে,তখন কি মেনে নিতে পারতাম মাথা নত করে?হয়ত পারতাম না,তাই মনকে একটা আশ্বাস দি,ওক  হারিয়ে ভালই হয়েছে,ওক মাঝে মাঝে যে মনে করতে পরি,ও আমার মনের মধ্যে এতটুকুও অপ্রিয় নয়,অনেকটা সম্মান করি,কিছুটা ভালবাসি,অনেক অভিমান আছে হয়ত,শান্তিও অনেকটাই কম,কিন্তু জায়গাটা সেই একই আছে।হয়ত অমিত আর লাবন্য সেটাই চাইতো। ভালোবাসেনি যে কোনদিন সে অত গভীর ভাবে ভালোবাসাক চেনে না,আর ওরা চিনেছিল ওদের কবিতা দিয়ে,ওদের সম্পর্ক টা  শারীরিক মিলন বা চক্ষুশ আকর্ষণ নয়,বা দৈনিক জীবনযাপন এ হারিয়ে যাওয়া প্রেম নয়,ওরা ওদের প্রেম কে চিরস্থায়ী রাখতে চেয়েছিল দুরে থেকে,বিবাহ দিয়ে নয়,কিছু পাওয়ার জন্য সত্তি কিছু হারাতে হয়..

Simplicity Lost..

The other day I was having a talk with my best friend on the various books we have read till now.As we discussed about the authors and their signatures styles,she and I arrived at a common point-the loss of simplicity in stories nowadays.For today's readers,literature is often confused with complex stories,things we barely understand,characters that don't connect with us.I enjoy reading Haruki Murakami,but even his stories don't speak to me,they make me think and wonder,but they are not the people whom we meet everyday.As Orhan Pamuk rightfully stated in his book "Other Colors" - "To write well is to allow the reader to say 'I was going to say the same thing myself,but I couldn't allow myself to be that childish.' "Stories make you think and help you figure out solutions,they make you realize that you are not the only one who has faced difficult times,even this character has,stories are the ones that make you cry,talk to yourself as you read and make you laugh when you think how silly of him to do this.And these stories are not the ones written by Murakami,in real world,people don't sleep with their alleged mother's ghost or talk to frogs.Often authors write about real world problems but make them way to compliciated to understand like Arundhati Ray's "The God of Small Things". And that's where Ruskin Bond,J.K Rowling,R.K Narayan,Khaled Hosseini make their mark.Even Harper Lee and John Steinbeck write fantastic stories in local dialects and weave beautiful stories based on  their own experiences.Just think why do you love Harry Potter so much?Because he makes us cry,he makes us proud and feel different about ourselves.I have already spoken about how I feel when I read Ruskin Bond's stories,his language is so lucid but his words and experiences make me feel "Yes,I was in this exact situation once".Ruskin's stores make me nostalgic and influence me more than the biggies in literature.I honestly don't admire Virginia Woolf because her stories are more or less depressing and my childhood,my life are not that depressing.Stories are not meant to make you feel depressed or suicidal,they can make you sad but in the end you feel a positive vibe,you feel like you have someone's hand,someone's support in your life to move forward.This simplicity and warmth are really missing nowadays and whenever I start reading a book,I often wish,please god,don't make it all messed up.Books are the best companions one can have,they don't ask for anything,they give,but they are not supposed to suck self-esteem and hope out of you.Think about Rabindranath Tagore's short stories,precise and charming.Think about Saratchandra,no wonder he was called the Kathashilpi.His stories spoke about the daily struggles of common people,and that's why people still read his books,Stories make the authors immortal and they earn them a place in the reader's heart forever.So isn't it better to write something our minds can decipher,something that is worth remembering?

He and She

I hope, by this time, everyone is familiar with the #HeForShe speech given by Emma Watson last year.What makes it one of the most iconic speeches of modern times?It doesn't speak solely for women's rights,it advocates for men and women rights.As she rightfully pointed out, “It is time that we all perceive gender on a spectrum, instead of two sets of opposing ideals. If we stop defining each other by what we are not, and start defining ourselves by who we are, we can all be freer, and this is what HeForShe is about. It’s about freedom.”

Both men and women are victims of gender inequality.

With the rise of women,there has been a lot of skepticism about the laws that have been implemented, and it's true most of them favor women.There are lots of women who have misused these laws for their own advantages and ruined the lives of men.But these crimes go unnoticed because of an extremely distorted belief that men are NEVER victims,they are always the criminals.They are devoid of sensitivity,pain and misery.While, a woman getting raped garners attention from the media and a lot of support from the masses, a man getting raped is something that is never talked about.But a man's pathos has always remained unnoticed.I was talking to a friend a few months ago regarding his family problems.I asked him to share his load with me so that I can help him,but he said,he is a man,and men should never talk of their troubles.I told him that all human beings should express their feelings irrespective of their gender.I have seen my own father suffering but he has never shared it with his family.And I think this is a very common observation in most families.While women express themselves more freely,men suffer in silence and there are times they actually succumb to depression and anxiety by committing suicides.Similarly,when a girl is born,she is taught to be polite and submissive.She is asked to bow to a man because that's what qualifies as a womanly attitude.Girls are still married off at a tender age and their immature wombs are forced to breed children.While,it's a common belief that women are victims of body-shaming,recent studies indicate that men are victims too.A recent survey was carried out where men were asked to choose what they think of as a perfect male body.Most of them voted for a muscular one.But the women are not to be blamed here,because they don't have any such criteria.It's the men themselves who suffer from such insecurities. It's really shameful that even today,we are gullible to such prejudices,even the educated and the influential ones have failed to change the way we think.

There are more than just biological differences between men and women.

I have seen men and women fighting over the internet defending their gender,but if we stop once and ponder over why exactly we are fighting,we shall see,it's not because men are bad or women are terrible,it's because the societal system is itself wrong.It imposes certain stereotypes on us and we are bound to follow them to survive.When a man is born,he isn't taught to become a good human being,instead he is taught NOT to become a woman.Even today,we make fun of effeminate men because of the hugely flawed portrayal of masculinity as men being strong and aggressive.Women are similarly taught not to be men and this goes on for centuries.Two genders fighting against each other,when one is benefited,the other is victimized.No one ever says this has to stop.No one ever says, that men and women should complement,not contradict each other.You can be a man and still like the Pink colour,you can be a woman and still ride the bike.

In the recent times,there has been a lot of women bashing over the internet because of women enjoying all the privileges and men being left out.It's because of the massively advertised feminist campaigns,feminism is becoming synonymous to man hating,and I will agree with some men who are saying that for many women,feminism means permanent dominance over men,There are very few women who are actually advocating for equality.Men have been victims to false rape accusations and false dowry cases,but these women have not been punished as severely as men are punished for the same amount of crime.So where is the equality?While giving big talks about the necessity of feminism has become a very popular norm nowadays,everyone seems to have forgotten that such radical feminism might actually lead to harsh consequences in the future with men and women falling apart.

I think after reading this,you and I have all arrived at the same conclusion-Gender should not be used as means for discrimination any more.It's time that we stop thinking about our gender's welfare and concentrate on humanity's welfare.It's time we stop pointing  fingers towards our gender when we fail or achieve. Let gender not be an issue or an identity.Let's accept that it exists and cannot be shunned, but it can be considered insignificant.

View my article at:http://www.universitybeats.in/2015/07/19/he-and-she/

Sleeping away

"And miles to go before I sleep,and miles to go before I sleep.."

When I was in class 10,we had this poem in our syllabus.I wasn't much of a poetry fanatic at that time,little details,hidden meanings didn't interest me.But those were the things that attracted the examiners and we would have to learn an entire summary on why did the poet write these exact lines.Not that I cared,but these lines affected me deeply.more than anything else.Sleep in the sense slumber and sleep in the sense the eternal sleep-death.Poets are geniuses,they play with words,they play with minds,I don't understand why poetry is still so underrated when it can make a greater impact on someone's mind,it can leave you bedazzled forever.But what do we know of the ways of men and women?

Anyways,as I was saying,these lines are the world's best lines according to me.And they mean so much right now when I am about to sit for my placements,a crucial episode of my life,a new beginning.I spent the last two months sitting infront of the laptop screen,solving problems.I started writing this blog and I also finished a couple of great books.And now when the time draws to an end,I realize there are miles to go before I sleep.I haven't slept much since a long time.All those untraveled miles have kept me awake.There is so much to do and so little time left.Sometimes,I think of my childhood when the holidays meant endless games and long siestas.I had dreams of colouring the world with my little hands and I had so much time.I spent all the time playing and playing.But,I have no time now.Time is scarce and this is the time I have to change the world.I wish  I could go back and bring me some more time but this is what I have now.So many miles and no sleep.Maa always tells me that one day,I'll have plenty of time to rest my legs.I keep believing her like deluded child hoping that day will soon come,but as the time flies past me,I keep getting busier and more thoughtful.There are times I don't want to grow old,as I feel myself being dragged into more responsibilities,but what choice do I have?I keep molding myself with the waves of changes and the more I change,the more I feel being plunged into some darkness.Sleep,that's something I need.And it keeps getting out of my hands and I wait for my eyes to close at the end of the day.

Don't you feel like you have spent a lot of time running?You have run madly for something but the only thing that mattered the most was a nice sleep under the warmth of blankets,as you shut your eyes,you shut your mind to the rest of the world and you slip into some deep abyss from where you never want to come out-sounds just like death.