Underneath the bridge
The tarp has sprung a leak
And the animals I've trapped
Have all become my pets
And I'm living off of grass
And the drippings from the ceiling
But it's okay to eat fish
'Cause they don't have any feelings
There are musicians,there are rockstars and there is Kurt Cobain.Since the day I've known him,I've loved him.It's an insane kind of love.Not that I want him to strip naked and make love to me,this is more like a fairy tale where I want to watch him take up his guitar and sing a song for me.But the craziest thing is, he is dead.His body turned into dust 20 years ago.But Cobain's still alive,his legacy lives,his music lives,he is a legend and my muse.
Cobain is often hailed as some patron saint of music whose legacy can never be annihilated by his death,he has lived longer than he had actually lived in flesh and bones and will continue to live.I was reading Frances's interview that day.And her words sounded too veracious cutting through my soul.People have a certain romanticism about dead musicians.Cobain,Morrison,Hendrix,Lennon,Janis Joplin. There is a certain obsession about this "club 27". I can't refute her statements cause as hurtful they might sound they are true.It brings out the dark side of humanity,our fascination about death,especially death at an young age.Just think about it,Cobain or Morrison will never age with time,they will remain forever 27,in other words,ageless.They will always be significant and ethereally beautiful in their times.
Cobain's voice haunts me every time I hear it.For an artist and a spectacular personality like him,things came easily but the fame destroyed him. Cobain was a victim of "californication"The biggest irony of his life is he wanted to be one of the greatest musicians,which he eventually became but he didn't want to be the voice of his generation,he didn't want to be a role model.Cobain's constant struggle with heroin and drug addiction cost him his life.He succumbed to his own demons and he was gone, leaving his mark in a very minuscule period of time.
I was only 2 years old when Cobain died.I came to know about him through friends and within a few months I became completely obsessed about him.I used to listen to any music that he had composed since his childhood,I dug up the internet to study articles on him,what struck me the most was his resemblance with Holden Caulfield,the main protagonist from Catcher in the Rye,the boy who wanted to grow up very fast but got lost somewhere in a strange world from where there was no escape.Cobain wanted a family,but he was ridiculed every where he went,his family never accepted him and he turned to heroin to get over his frustrations.He started smoking pot when he was a teenager.He was turned out of school because he missed school for months and he got high again.Kurt spoke just like Holden,he hated everybody because they were so phony.He didn't have friends,he didn't have a family till Courtney Love happened.
Like most others,I used to blame her for ruining his life,but Kurt would have died with or without her.His pain was always reflected in his journals,his notebooks,his recordings,his art,his lyrics.He said "I hate myself and I want to die". There was the thing about him,his obsession with pain and death.Kurt was a genuine person who loved his family dearly,he wanted to be with his mom and dad,but he got rejected every time.And it slowly destroyed him.Kurt was into heroin a long time before Courtney came.I am no one to judge her because he loved her very much.At some point of time,it seemed as if they were very much meant for each other,like two troubled souls who found each other.And finally,he had a family.Frances was born and he was ready to give up his addictions for her.
But as we all know,he died.Of all people,there was only one person who had actually understood Kurt.That was Krist Novoselic,his then bandmate and friend.He was somehow sure that Kurt was going to do something wrong.Kurt's hippy image,his ruggedness hid the actual person,the person who was in extreme pain.In that case I can't help but blame his parents who weren't there for him.They had ignored him for their own happiness.They got so busy decorating their own lives that they failed to see what was happening to him,what was going to happen to him in a few years.
As I watched Montage of Heck,my eyes turned moist on seeing my favourite musician laughing when he was a cute baby with dreams in his eyes.And I cried at the end when the black screen appeared saying he shot himself.Some people think he was a loser who killed himself,but didn't anyone see it coming?Didn't anyone ever get a hint from his art,his lyrics,his way of life?I felt like blaming every one who had pretended to know him so well,yet they were so oblivious of every thing.Well,I don't consider Kurt a great person.He was a great musician but not a great father.I think the person who had suffered the most because of him was his daughter.She doesn't remember his father but when she looks at the old videos and pictures,I wonder what she thinks of her father.I think she feels hurt,ashamed of someone who was loved by every one but someone who gave up on the best thing that ever happened to him.
I wish Kurt was alive.I wish he gave his life another chance.I just wish he was here today and I could watch him at some concert.He would pick up his guitar and say "Fuck you all,this is the last song of the evening".
I hope he finally found his Nirvana in death.
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